Introduction!

My extensive research on the sixth day of the week has revealed that it starts in darkness and several hours later the darkness is pushed out of the way by light.  Fascinating!  The sixth day is also the day before the seventh day.  That is not fascinating…it's math.  I've been told by seventh day researchers than a happy sixth day increases the odds of an awesome 7th day.  Days one thru five are outside of my wheelhouse.  To me those days are just filler.  Six and seven are the ones that matter!                                    

 

 Happy Friday!                                        

 

 

February 24, 2024  (Saturday)

A Day Late and a dollar short.  There is really nothing new to report.  I could fabricate and contort, but why.  I am comfort….able and at peace.  This poem is going nowhere.  It's time to abort…the mission.  I'm going to build a fort …out of cardboard.  

 

Happy Friday!  (the Saturday version) 

 

 

February 16, 2024

I think one of my man boobs is bigger than the other.  So if I was to go about fixing that broken symmetry, should I make one bigger, or make the other smaller?  What if the surgeon fixed the wrong man boob?  That would exacerbate the broken symmetry.  We just can't have that!  Dammit!! I just spotted my danglies in the mirror!  Symmetry Sucks!

 

Happy Friday!  

 

 

February 9, 2024

So, most folks can detect when a musical instrument is out of tune.  It clashes with all of the other instruments that are IN tune.  But would they be able to tell if all of the other instruments are out of tune as well?  If all the instruments are out of tune then eventually it will begin to sound normal.  And harmony will cease to exist.  

 

Happy Friday?

 

February 2, 2024

Big shout out to Thursdays!  Thursdays are like the comedian who warms up the audience before the Late Show starts taping.  Jimmy, Jimmy, and Steve understand how important Thursdays are.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

 

January 26, 2024

Is it weird to have a favorite number?  I asked Google what her favorite number was, and without hesitation she said she really liked "2". I have two faves: 42 because it is the answer, and 57 because it's funny. Some folks like really big numbers like a twelve foot tall 5. Others like really small numbers like 6,906,754,345,108 etched onto a micro chip. Don't get me started on fonts. They are why math is so hard.

Happy Friday!

 

January 19, 2024

Paisley is Plaid on shrooms.  So be careful to choose the right color socks!

Happy Friday!

 

January 12, 2024

They tell you that snow is frozen raindrops.  What if it turns out that snow is really exhausted photons going Super Nova?  They start in a star billions of miles away and end in a yellow glob in my back yard.  Kinda sad actually.

Happy Friday!

 

 

January 5, 2024

So, rhythmically challenged people will sometimes clap on 1 and 3 instead of 2 and 4. I am sometimes rhythmically challenged. Like the other night when my band started on one and I started on 2. The whole song sounded weird, but the ending was embarrassing because I  hit the last chord one beat late.

Happy Friday!

 

December 29, 2023

Tis the last Friday of 2023.  It appears that Fridays have been renewed for another 52 weeks.  Yippy! Saturdays could be in jeopardy though.  There was a problem with its application and there is a chance that the dreaded “DENIED” rubber stamp will land with a thud.  Keep your fingers crossed.  If we lose Saturday, then the day after Friday will be Sunday.  That would be weird.

 

Happy Friday

 

December 22, 2023

I like things that twinkle. Its hard to stop looking at things that twinkle. I also like the sound of the word twinkle. It sounds fun!  It feels good!  Twinkle – W = Tinkle.  OK! I really hope that’s not what twinkle smells like.  Word math sucks!!

 

Happy Friday!!

 

December 15, 2023

 

Tis nearly a new year for Earthlings.  One year on Uranus is 84 earth years.  That means that folks on Uranus make New Years resolutions just once in a lifetime.  I bet they resolve to use less toilet paper.

 

Happy Friday!

 

December 8, 2023

 

I think that the sound that smoke detectors make when it’s time to change the battery is cruel.  It comes from every direction all at once.  It’s a quantum beep.

 

Happy Friday!

 

December 1, 2023

 

When Henry and Harriet met Oliver, I bet it was humid.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

November 24, 2023

 

Ducks are as ducks are.  Geese are as geese are.  This is the time of year that ducks and geese choose their leader.  I see them flying in all directions in their V formation. Then one sees another V going in a different direction and peels away and joins the other V, only to realize that that V is heading straight north.  That V ran an ad that said, “Go North!  Stay the course!  Eventually it will be south”.

Then on the 1st of November it’s 70 degrees. Fly West!!  Fly West!!

Duck, duck, Goose!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

November 17, 2023

 

I’ve reached that age where I’ve realized that reaching that age is a good thing.  Soon I will reach the age where that’s just not the case.

 

Happy Friday!

 

November 10, 2023

 

Somewhere along the line I got distracted and now the line is elsewhere or something else. It could be a squiggly line, or a circular line, or perhaps what was once a single line is now several lines.  This line of reasoning is exhausting.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

November 3, 2023

 

There once was a man from Nantucket Who could not bring himself to swear.  He was a nice guy, but a horrible poet.

 

Happy Friday!

 

October 27, 2023

I've had just one thought since getting out of bed this morning.  I thought about it while I did the things I don't have to think about.  Then I tried to stop thinking about it.  But despite my best effort, I was still thinking about the thought. Then, out of nowhere, I remembered:  Brad Paisley!  That's the name I couldn't think of two weeks ago.  THAT is time release thinking!  So, where was I?           

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

October 20, 2023

Is it too early, or too late to talk about daylight savings time?  To appease the “shifters”  AND the “Stand stillers”  I propose a 12 hour jump forward in the spring and a 12 hour jump backward in the fall.  I can live with some of my clocks saying AM when it’s PM.  Another alternative:  Since time is arguably a human construct, perhaps we should let an animal give us a solution.  Like a bear. For bears there is sleepy time and cocaine time.

 

Happy Friday!

 

October 13, 2023

Musical notation instruction for the day:  play as though it is “Fa, fa, fa Friday!  Fa, fa,fa, Friday! Twang, Screech, Boom!  Fa, fa, fa, Friday!

 

Happy Friday!

 

October 6, 2023

 

In about a month daylight savings time will end.  A scheduled end to saving something  is irresponsible.  It sends the wrong message to young people.  What if we said, “OK, in three days we will stop saving the whales”? or, “today is national stop saving your toe nail clippings day.” It’s just wrong people!  Just wrong!

 

Happy Friday!

 

September 29, 2023

 

75% of the time is spent.  Three quarters is still not quite a dollar.  It’s not a given that any of this will happen.  Be wise.  Do the research, and rebel while you comply.  Pima cotton is the worst thing for getting out of bed 25% of the mornings and that is not true.  Dan for president because I’m 2/3 sane.

 

Happy Friday!

 

September 22, 2023

 

How is it that ‘food’ and ‘good’ don’t rhyme?  If you say these words backwards, then they rhyme. But then they don’t have meaning.

 

Happy Friday!

 

September 15, 2023

I stood at my glass door this morning watching the birds, admiring my freshly cut lawn, listening to Brodie chomping on his food. Waiting for the coffee to finish brewing.  On the other side of the glass I noticed a mosquito beating itself into the window, trying to get to me and my blood.  What a stupid creature.  I felt compelled to attempt to reason with it…to explain that this quest for blood will lead to its death.  “stop beating yourself against the window” I said.  “Take control of your life and be an example to the throngs.” It is still there beating itself against the glass.  It will die there, but not before passing the baton…they will be there all summer cursing me for planting those god awful marigolds.  What a stupid creature.

Happy Friday!

 

September 8, 2023

 

Geez!  Calm down people!  Just because it’s Friday doesn’t mean you have to go nuts!  It’s just another day.  The day before…the weekend….the day before Saturday and then Sunday… BLAHHAHAHAGHG…..YEAH……..HELL YEAH!!!   FRIDAY!!!   I just peed myself a little.

 

Happy Friday!

 

September 1, 2023

 

On Fridays I send a message to my family that is filled with mostly nonsense.  What is nonsense?  I know what sense is…it’s the ways stuff smells.  So is nonsense the way stuff doesn’t smell?  It seems like it would be easier to say what something smells like rather than saying what something doesn’t smell like.  You would be there all day.  Not a good way to spend a Friday!

 

Happy Friday!

 

August 25, 2023

 

I am unique!  One of a kind!  On a life journey to find others who are just like me.  That’s really dumb!

 

Happy Friday!

 

August 18, 2023

 

Cheese wiz!  It’s forking Friday!  I will be spending most of today in the pocket.  The groove will be groovy.  Slightly under the beat.  The pushes will land precisely.  The minor 7 flat 5 is a chord…a very cool chord.  We need more of them.

 

Happy Friday!

 

August 11, 2023

 

Brodie:  time to get up

Me: You’re not the boss of me

Brodie:  well, that’s debatable

Me:  Can you go make coffee?

Brodie:  Yeah right! Get your butt out of bed!

Me:  I think I want to sleep all day

Brodie:  I think I want to pee on your flip flops.  GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF BED!!!

Me:  My dog is yelling at me.  It must be Friday!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

August 4, 2023

 

There is the best, and there is the worst.  There is kindness and there is cruelty.  There is happiness and there is sorrow.  There is beauty and there is ugliness.  There is an abundance and there is a shortage. There is one side and there is the other side.  There is Friday, and there is Monday!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

July 28, 2023

 

I think there should be more laws like the Laws of Physics.  Gravity, action and reaction, entropy…the congress that passed those laws was there to get shit done!!!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

July 21, 2023

 

Some analogies are really good and help with understanding.  Others, not so much.  To me it’s like peanut butter and jelly.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

July 14, 2023

 

What if math tests gave you the answer and asked you to come up with the problem?  For example: the answer is 4.  What is the problem?  Well, Obviously, (1/4 x 4) x (1/2 x 2) x 57.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

July 7, 2023

 

All of my pet peeves have moved on to the great farm in the country where they can run free.  I wonder how they are doing?  Especially the one about drivers who follow too closely.  Not sure if being in the country is the best place for that peeve.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

June 30, 2023

 

Come on man!  Give me a break!  To most people that means “stop blowing smoke up my ass”.  But what if they really mean that they want a break…like a broken arm? I guess there’s only one way to find out!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

June 23, 2023

 

Today I overslept.  Who made that word up?  Probably someone who sleeps a lot.  I think it means to sleep beyond the time you were supposed to.  What if I slept over at a friends house and overslept?  That seems redundant.  What time is it anyway?  Oh shit!  It’s Friday!!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

June 16, 2023

 

“Music to my ears!” refers to hearing what you wanted to hear.  For example: “You just won the lottery”  or “The lasagna is ready to eat”.  But that doesn’t sound anything like music.  For that matter, does money or lasagna make a sound at all?  Well, if you throw a lasagna noodle at someone, it goes SPLAT! THAT is music to my ears!!

Happy Friday!

 

 

 

June 9, 2023

 

Everything is moving…All of the time!  Move WITH everything and you’re in the pocket. Move against everything and you’re that drunk guy on the dance floor at a wedding.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

June 2, 2023

 

Concrete is faux rock.  The foundation of my house is concrete.  If I sell my house I should probably disclose that bit of info.  I bet houses with real rock foundations are crazy expensive.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

May 26, 2023

 

I wonder what it would sound like if you sped up circadian rhythm.  I mean like circadian rhythms at 120 beats per minute.  I bet that would make for a kewl dance craze.  But it might break a few bones too.  Hmmm.  Nevermind.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

May 19, 2023

Seven days ago I caught a cold.  For the life of me, I can not figure out why I was chasing the dam thing.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

May 12, 2023

 

On a scale of 1 to 10, what color is time?  What’s the matter?  What IS matter?  I’m brave. I’ll answer that.  It’s the same as WTF and WIF.

Happy Friday!  (.)=belly button.

 

 

May 5, 2023

 

I had the strangest dream this morning:

 

Shit! Enough!  OK?

Shit enough? OK!

Enough shit!  OK?

OK, shit! Enough!!!!!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

 

 

April 28, 2023

 

So, I started thinking about Friday on Thursday. I thought of several things that would be appropriate and inappropriate, but as I sit here on Friday morning with my coffee and my dog, I can not remember any of them.  So I will let Brodie (my dog) handle the Friday morning business.

Brodie:  eggrrr! Wwoof!  What do you think I am…anyways?

Me:  He’s in a pissy mood,  Sorry!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

April 21, 2023

 

Eight billion and counting.  Seems like a lot, but how many trillions of neurons is that? And, on average, how many thoughts per day are interrupted by another competing thought.  Shit!  I have no idea where I was going with this!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

April 14, 2023

 

I don’t trust people who use the word “pugilistic”. When I hear that word I just want to punch someone in the visage!

 

Happy Friday!

 



April 7, 2023

 

Today’s words is Tone Deaf.  The fat book of words says it means “insensitive to changes in musical pitch.  Well, someone was word deaf when they made this word up.  The words that goes with that definition are Pitch Deaf.  Tone deaf is not being able to tell the difference between a Bosendorfer and a Steinway, or a Bogner and a Marshall, or Stuart and Dan.

I am Neither…nor.  But sometimes I say the wrong stuff.

Happy Friday!

 

 

March 31, 2023

I want to know what rules of the universe allow a toddler in stocking feet to step on Lego blocks with every step as they cross a room, without feeling excruciating pain…or any pain at all!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

March 24, 2023

Winter weather is beautiful when viewed from the warm side of the window.  But you have to go to the cold side of the window eventually. Yesterday I got out the snow blower to clear my driveway and walk.  I have a pretty big snow blower that blows the snow all the way to Cleveland.  I checked the direction of the wind and adjusted the shoot to throw in that direction.  Halfway down the driveway the wind shifted and all that macho snow blowing power was pelting my face with the snow being thrown in the air.  My glasses were coated instantly.  My black winter coat was white on one side.  That tiny triangle of unprotected skin on my neck was so cold it seemed to be burning.  I stopped for a moment and took a bow in case any of my neighbors were watching, and the finished plowing with about 10% visibility.  I think I may have plowed part of my neighbors lawn.

I am back on the warm side of the window now.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

March 17, 2023

 

Yesterday I saw a robin while walking Brodie.  They have been around for a few weeks now so it wasn’t that remarkable.  This one was exceptionally fat.  I wondered if it was even capable of flying.  Brodie was preoccupied so I was able to observe the robin for a while. It looked right at me and stepped from side to side.  Then, to my surprise, it got really skinny and flew away. It was like a CGI thing from the movies.  I thought, That was not a robin!  That was a robot ninja bird from the netherworld sent to spy on me.  I’m pretty sure it was a cat eater too because there have been missing cats in the neighborhood.  Be on the lookout!  Ninja birds are here and they are not wearing masks!  Pass it on!!

Happy Friday!

 

 

 

March 10, 2023

 

I think its absurd that I am struggling to find something absurd to say.  Absurdity is everywhere!  The last breath that I took was much deeper than the other breaths from this morning. I feel bad for the other more shallow breaths. That’s absurd!  Yet I persist.  The shallow breaths are only there to sing backup for the deep breaths.  They just don’t get the recognition they deserve. It’s Absurd!!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

March 3, 2023

 

I think that Google Assistant needs an AI update. Once in a while it needs to say, “Do you think it’s easy keeping track of your light bulbs, Dimmers, cameras, phones, laptops. Music devices, all while displaying art from around the world? I don’t even get paid for it.  GEEZ!” So today is “Turn on your lights the old-fashioned way…clap, clap!”

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

February 24, 2023

 

I think that the root cause of most, if not all, of our word absurdity is that we just don’t have enough letters.  We need at least 100 more letters.  Then maybe “f” and “ph” can get that divorce they both want so badly.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

February 17, 2023

 

It must suck to be Ti…always a half step below Do. When you hear Ti you sit up straight because you know Do will appear soon.  If Do does not appear after Ti we become anxious and look back at Ti with contempt.  It must suck to be Ti.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

February 10, 2023

 

It is currently -7 outside.  I am not known for making brilliant decisions, but today I feel like my decision to quit smoking was decisive.  And good too.

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

February 3, 2023

 

People in politics are peculiar.  People who pole vault have their ups and downs.  People who punctuate profusely are proud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  People pee and poop…just like dogs.  But dogs don’t do politics, pole vault, or profusely punctuate.

This has been on my mind for a while.

Happy Friday!

 

 

January 27, 2023

 

Today I want to talk about artificial stupidity.  Is anyone checking to be sure the data in the base is really intelligent?  For example, This thing we do on Fridays…is that in the base of data?  If so, someone expecting AI may just get AS.

Happy Friday!

 

 

January 20, 2023

 

How deep is your snow,

How deep is your snow,

How deep is your snow baby?

Cause we’re living in a world of fools.

Breaking us down when they all should let us shovel.

We belong in a warmer latitude.

 

(sung to the tune of How Deep is Your Love by the Bee Gees)

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

January 13, 2023

 

Things I will do today:  pick up around the house.  Put a new pickup in my Telecaster.  Watch a pickup truck drive by.  Watch a pickup truck drive by.  (there are a lot of pickup trucks)  By the way, that was a pickup hiccup!

 

Happy Friday!

 

 

January 6, 2023

 

In a parallel universe Friday is pronounced “kchwicz”.  But in a perpendicular universe it is pronounced “mustard”.  To be fair, parallel and perpendicular are just at odds with the universe in general.  They will never line up.

 

Happy Friday!